Tag Archives: ohshit

“it’s okay…”

sometimes when i am leaving drake after class, i start to get really scared about walking to my car in the dark.
okay… not sometimes. all of the time. i am so scared of the dark, and i hate to even think about what might be hiding under (or inside!!!) of my car.
to control my fear during that walk i often find myself talking out loud in reassurance mode. i tell myself that it is okay if someone is under the car waiting to cut my achille’s tendon. it is okay if someone wants to then drag my limp body to a big white van (with no windows) and kidnap/kill me.
does this really happen? no. would i really be okay with someone cutting my ankles and kidnapping me? absolutely not. should i stop watching scary movies? yes.
its just that telling myself that bad things might happen just helps me realize that if something is going to happen, it is out of my control anyway, and most likely (since i am such a strong, brave woman) i will end up being fine.

a couple of weeks ago i noticed that my boobs were really hurting me. (i promise this story will come back around…) now, i have a pretty good sized pair of girls, so i thought maybe my bra was just not right, or something. but when i noticed the pain a few days later i decided that maybe it was something else.
when pain, rashes, mysterious lumps, etc. appear in my life i immediately turn to the all-knowing google. i mean seriously, we all know that the matronal goddess hiding away in new york determines what information the google relays back to us, so how could asking the google about my breast pain be a bad idea?
well the mother computer relayed (through her little bitch, the google) that i had two options relating to my boobs… either i had breast cancer or i was pregnant.
hmmm…. suck and suck.
the next morning i woke up panicked because i had a dream that i was pregnant.
okay. first the mother computer, then the google and now god. i was out of my mind to think that i wasn’t pregnant, who else is there to consult??
i did something that i have never done before. i went to the store to look for a pregnancy test. i have never bought a pregnancy test before… i have no idea where they are located, what the price might be or how many freaking choices one would have in the purchase! damn!
after i found them, right next to the tampons…. oh the irony, target. my heart was pounding, i was sure that everyone in the store was looking at me. i felt like a teenager trying to buy condoms or liquor. i had this overwhelming urge to shout at the people (who were obviously looking at me…) “what?! i am 26 years old! i am married, we can have sex! we could be pregnant if we wanted! that is allowed! i am married, dammit!”

on a side note: i have never felt the need to justify my marital status. shit, sometimes i can’t even call derek my husband, cause it just feels so fun to call him my boyfriend.

after what seemed like an eternity of scanning the front of the boxes (i clearly could not pick each one up and read the details on the back…) i decided on the most expensive. when in doubt, pay the most money, right?! that means it has to be the best and will no doubt, give me the answer that i am looking for…
well, then came the problem of the checkout line. even though i was quietly mumbling my age throughout the entire store and carrying the damn thing with my left hand (to naturally show my wedding ring) i felt the need to pick up a few other things so i would not have to pay for just ONE PREGNANCY TEST.
naturally i got a soda, PEOPLE magazine, and some carmex.
i suck at being nonchalant.

as i am standing in line, i go back to thinking about when i am walking to my car at drake. “it is okay if you get your achille’s tendon cut, it is okay if you get kidnapped, it is okay if you are pregnant.” wait a minute….

it is NOT okay that you are comparing being kidnapped/killed to being pregnant! sweet jesus, you are not ready for motherhood!
why does anyone put themselves through this agony on purpose?
i get home, take the test and wait the horrid three fucking minutes!!! are you kidding me? three minutes? for 13 dollars your little paper strip mind has to work faster than that. come on now!
no whammies, no whammies.

and then there was relief…. negative.

i promptly poured myself a glass of wine and began with the reassurance mode… “it’s okay that mother computer and her little sidekick, the google played this terrible trick on you. it’s okay…”

no news is good news.

a quick note about larry..
i did not get to see him (and derek did not catch a glimpse either..) he was promptly sent away to a pathologist to check his origin.
larry did not come from a cancer background.
he was accompanied by a few others, which remain in my neck (as a “bunch of grapes”), which also have no known cancer origin.
as for the doctors orders… keep an eye out for other lumps, but in the meantime no news is good news.

and as for the “habit of itching”… larry mysteriously took that along with him.

on a more serious note.. thanks to all for the concern. although i made jokes of the issue, it was apparently a little serious and i do appreciate you thinking about me.


so the other nite derek and I are chatting about blogs and how he wishes that everyone had one so he knew what was going on
in other people’s lives.
I responded with the idea that even though I have a blog does not mean I share everything on the internet for others to know about my life.
this obviously got derek riled up, stating that I do not blog unless there is something that I feel like I need to rant about…
hmm… well.. yeah. that’s pretty much true.
but people have his site to find out what is going on in our lives instead. so my rants are just the P.S. section to the events he makes sure internet stalkers know we have attended.
so immediately I wanted to come back and find all the posts I have written that do not include rants… just to make a point to him.
(remember I am an educator… educating the people..)
however, when I thought more about that, I decided that wasn’t going to be a fun job (and more likely would probably just prove his point more anyway..).
so instead, I started thinking about things that I could blog about. events happening that I could share with the four people who stumble upon this site. and while that task was a little fun, I immediately started thinking about a specific detail of those events that I could “rant” about.
call it pessimistic.
I think of it as adding a little humor to an otherwise shitty situation. although the actual situation is not going to get better, it’s possible that someone might laugh at the predicament while I am recounting the events.
(OASN: this might also have something to do with the fact that I admittedly exaggerate most stories…)
so… that brings me to my rant about doctors. (while updating you with my ever exciting life..)
this story starts around thanksgiving time when I visited my doctor for a few reasons.
1. I have a lump in my neck.
2. I have a rash that surrounds the lump and makes me feel like a dog with fleas.
3. I have had a headache for about 2 weeks.
not anything super serious, just a few annoying aliments.
hmm.. she responds with this:
1. there is a lump in your neck. it probably is nothing because it moves around a little.
2. there is a rash that must have started with something slightly irritating my skin, and now I must just be in the habit of itching my neck.
3. to cure headaches, I should take 2 advil twice a day.
really? well when is the lump going to just move right out of my neck? a “habit” of itching my neck? and does someone really come to the doctor about a headache without first trying tylenol?
alright.. so fast forward this situation a few weeks, and past a few new doctors appointments and a CT scan (all much better, I should mention).
I am now sitting in the office of an ear, nose and throat specialist, regarding the lump in my neck. (who is now know as larry, because he has apparently become a permanent fixture protruding from my neck area). the ent doctor says this exact quote without saying anything else to me:
“well with kids we would say this is a swollen lymph node and with adults we would say it is cancer. ha! there and now I have gone and said the word cancer.”
hmm… yeah, you actually said it twice. is there something else we should talk about, you untactful fuck?
(now, don’t get me wrong. I often times lack what is known as tact, and I call that honesty. which I can respect from another person. and this combined with the fact that I do not have thin skin.. “sticks and stones” is a daily motto for me. my feelings don’t often get too involved.. )
but honestly, no introductions? do you want to tell me that you have been doing this work for years, and have no wife or mother who has ever taught you about talking to other human beings, and you have just devoted your life to your work instead, ignoring all other social obligations? no other thoughts otherwise? just gonna throw cancer right out there?
so fast forward again to today. I have a surgery planned for thursday to remove larry and send him off to find his origin. and in the mean time the kind folks at mercy west called to get the rest of my medical history details determined. the second question that the ever so thoughtful man asks me, “do you have a living will or are you prepared for the death options related to surgery?”
whoa! right after he politely clarified my full name. at least the introduction was out on the table.. but jim, I don’t even know your middle initial!
and a living will? what? jim! it took me a year and half to have my name put on the house… a living will? don’t push derek and I into that type of commitment! and death options? what? I need you to check your records.. I am not having a triple bypass surgery.. just a little grape popped out of the neck region. death is not really in the plans for thursday… i don’t even have lesson plans made for tomorrow, let alone next monday! slow down here jim!
so. fast forward to right now. another ranting blog.
with a little insight into the daily life as well, I suppose. so there it is. I am having a little procedure in a few days. and I suppose I am a little concerned, not necessarily about the actual surgery (despite jim’s sweet attempt at the scare tactic!) but maybe just a little concerned about where I might find larry is actually from.
and that is what is going on in my life right now.
but how boring and un-funny are those three pathetic sentences without a little ranting spice added in?