Tag Archives: Health

no news is good news.

a quick note about larry..
i did not get to see him (and derek did not catch a glimpse either..) he was promptly sent away to a pathologist to check his origin.
larry did not come from a cancer background.
he was accompanied by a few others, which remain in my neck (as a “bunch of grapes”), which also have no known cancer origin.
as for the doctors orders… keep an eye out for other lumps, but in the meantime no news is good news.

and as for the “habit of itching”… larry mysteriously took that along with him.

on a more serious note.. thanks to all for the concern. although i made jokes of the issue, it was apparently a little serious and i do appreciate you thinking about me.


so the other nite derek and I are chatting about blogs and how he wishes that everyone had one so he knew what was going on
in other people’s lives.
I responded with the idea that even though I have a blog does not mean I share everything on the internet for others to know about my life.
this obviously got derek riled up, stating that I do not blog unless there is something that I feel like I need to rant about…
hmm… well.. yeah. that’s pretty much true.
but people have his site to find out what is going on in our lives instead. so my rants are just the P.S. section to the events he makes sure internet stalkers know we have attended.
so immediately I wanted to come back and find all the posts I have written that do not include rants… just to make a point to him.
(remember I am an educator… educating the people..)
however, when I thought more about that, I decided that wasn’t going to be a fun job (and more likely would probably just prove his point more anyway..).
so instead, I started thinking about things that I could blog about. events happening that I could share with the four people who stumble upon this site. and while that task was a little fun, I immediately started thinking about a specific detail of those events that I could “rant” about.
call it pessimistic.
I think of it as adding a little humor to an otherwise shitty situation. although the actual situation is not going to get better, it’s possible that someone might laugh at the predicament while I am recounting the events.
(OASN: this might also have something to do with the fact that I admittedly exaggerate most stories…)
so… that brings me to my rant about doctors. (while updating you with my ever exciting life..)
this story starts around thanksgiving time when I visited my doctor for a few reasons.
1. I have a lump in my neck.
2. I have a rash that surrounds the lump and makes me feel like a dog with fleas.
3. I have had a headache for about 2 weeks.
not anything super serious, just a few annoying aliments.
hmm.. she responds with this:
1. there is a lump in your neck. it probably is nothing because it moves around a little.
2. there is a rash that must have started with something slightly irritating my skin, and now I must just be in the habit of itching my neck.
3. to cure headaches, I should take 2 advil twice a day.
really? well when is the lump going to just move right out of my neck? a “habit” of itching my neck? and does someone really come to the doctor about a headache without first trying tylenol?
alright.. so fast forward this situation a few weeks, and past a few new doctors appointments and a CT scan (all much better, I should mention).
I am now sitting in the office of an ear, nose and throat specialist, regarding the lump in my neck. (who is now know as larry, because he has apparently become a permanent fixture protruding from my neck area). the ent doctor says this exact quote without saying anything else to me:
“well with kids we would say this is a swollen lymph node and with adults we would say it is cancer. ha! there and now I have gone and said the word cancer.”
hmm… yeah, you actually said it twice. is there something else we should talk about, you untactful fuck?
(now, don’t get me wrong. I often times lack what is known as tact, and I call that honesty. which I can respect from another person. and this combined with the fact that I do not have thin skin.. “sticks and stones” is a daily motto for me. my feelings don’t often get too involved.. )
but honestly, no introductions? do you want to tell me that you have been doing this work for years, and have no wife or mother who has ever taught you about talking to other human beings, and you have just devoted your life to your work instead, ignoring all other social obligations? no other thoughts otherwise? just gonna throw cancer right out there?
so fast forward again to today. I have a surgery planned for thursday to remove larry and send him off to find his origin. and in the mean time the kind folks at mercy west called to get the rest of my medical history details determined. the second question that the ever so thoughtful man asks me, “do you have a living will or are you prepared for the death options related to surgery?”
whoa! right after he politely clarified my full name. at least the introduction was out on the table.. but jim, I don’t even know your middle initial!
and a living will? what? jim! it took me a year and half to have my name put on the house… a living will? don’t push derek and I into that type of commitment! and death options? what? I need you to check your records.. I am not having a triple bypass surgery.. just a little grape popped out of the neck region. death is not really in the plans for thursday… i don’t even have lesson plans made for tomorrow, let alone next monday! slow down here jim!
so. fast forward to right now. another ranting blog.
with a little insight into the daily life as well, I suppose. so there it is. I am having a little procedure in a few days. and I suppose I am a little concerned, not necessarily about the actual surgery (despite jim’s sweet attempt at the scare tactic!) but maybe just a little concerned about where I might find larry is actually from.
and that is what is going on in my life right now.
but how boring and un-funny are those three pathetic sentences without a little ranting spice added in?


well it seems like a ton of things have been happening… but apparently life is crazier than ever at the end of a school year. when i predicted that grad school, starting a 1st year teaching job, and planning a wedding (all at the same time in the fall) would be the most stressful time in my life, i was wrong.. it is most certainly now, finishing up my first year of teaching and completing another semester of grad school. in the mean time a few things have come up that i have instantly wanted to blog about.. but instead time got the best of me.. and nicole got more than an earful during the ‘usual thursday nite activities”.. 🙂

name that moral:
so, as some may know.. i have been working on the weight loss issue.. and am pretty proud of the success. so proud in fact, that i went shopping.. (not that shopping is something too new, but at this stage of newfound poverty i am in.. it was a pretty exciting afternoon at target!) anyway, i was super excited because i found some very cute new attire, that was in my favorite new size (6!!) and bought up all that a poor teacher could afford. when i got home i left the target bag on the counter.
(in the mean time, the garbage can for the kitchen had been moved and there also was a target bag of trash on the counter..)
a couple of days later, as the weather had warmed, and we were planning our trip to vegas.. i was looking for the bag of clothes. hmmm… derek? oh.. he accidentally threw them away. yep, picked up in friday’s trash..
so long lucky number 6 (and $75) i will see you another day…
so, i am not sure what the moral of this story is.. at first i thought maybe it was ironic because i have many clothes in my closet that still have the tags on them, that i have never even worn… and now the ones i want to wear have been thrown away. something about the irony of my debt??
but after much contemplation.. i think the moral is pretty easy.
god liked me better fat.

the crazy at curves
okay.. so i work part time at curves, thus i encounter many different people. the other morning i was working and crazy woman came in. she is a chiropractor who believes in all natural healing. (meaning, she thinks that she can cure just about anything with a good rubbing of the back..) long story short.. the woman is going on about all the good she does in the world, like curing cancer and what not with her magic hands when all of a sudden she starts talking about juvenile diabetes.
i am clearly no expert.. but my younger brother was diagnosed with juvenile diabetes about 6 years ago.. so i know some things about the disease.
in the meantime, the crazy starts telling me that she thinks her daughter has diabetes because of the “toxic odor” that she releasing. and if this is the case, the crazy needs to decide what to do to cure the disease.
wow! really you have the potential to cure diabetes? you are not crazy in fact, but a genius.. why didn’t anyone else come up with the cure so easily. (if you are not catching the sarcasm.. please leave this website and do not return.)
so, enter my comment. “with all due respect to you and your profession, crazy.. when a heart stops working we use a pacemaker, not a good back rub. such as when a pancreas stops working (as with diabetics), we need insulin, not to have our spine readjusted.”
oh man.. that set her off. sorry crazy.. just a thought.
“no religion, politics or sex” – that is the general rule of conversation we stick by at curves.. apparently we should add “no facts of the medical field” as well.
(note: this was the very condensed version of this story.. just ask nicole.. i didn’t even wait for thursday. she got it ALL on saturday morning, approximately 30 minutes after the encounter with the crazy.)

a penis inside of you.
my best friend, morgan, is pregnant. now morgan has been talking about weddings and babies since i have ever known her (starting in about 5th grade).. so this is a very exciting thing to happen to her. (and by her i mean me also.. i can’t wait to be an honorary aunt!) since the time she told me that she was pregnant i have not been able to stop picking up things here and there for her and the new baby. it’s so fun buying little clothes, accessories, and the books.. oh, the books! (refer back to “newfound poverty”..)
i also took morgan out for an early mother’s day lunch and pedicure last weekend. she looked wonderful! she is most definitely “showing”.. but she just looks great… so healthy and so happy. now, as we were sitting in the (amazing) massage chairs, probably being cured of cancer mid-back rub, morgan started talking about her belly moving and felt where the baby was kicking. hmm.. interesting.
and later, as we were waiting for our very cute, spring-time toes to dry she pulled out the 3D ultrasounds. alright… the photo was so clear you could literally see the face. hmm… YOU HAVE ANOTHER HUMAN BEING INSIDE OF YOU!!!! there are 2 other arms, 2 more legs, 10 more fingers and 10 more toes… POSSIBLY A PENIS! all growing in your belly.
the little clothes and accessories.. wonderful.
the alien inside of you.. completely out of my realm.
it is clearly apparent i am no where near parenthood.
maturity first.

in the meantime.. finishing up IEP’s, wrapping up the school year, completing final projects, getting summer schedules ready, planning summer school, etc.
it’s nothing compared to curing cancer and harvesting aliens..
but enough to keep me busy.

until next time..

there will be good thoughts on customer service coming soon.. but i need tonite’s events to top the story.

so a little humor to hold you over.. (all 3 people who read this)

while at the country club (see article down below) on thursday afternoon i was enjoying a little sun. the day was perfect and there were no weird family members visiting to distract my peaceful afternoon. i was laying on my stomach to tan, when i decided it was time to flip over to give the other side some time to see the sun. i flip over, grab my book and begin to get lost in the world of wicked.

a good 15 minutes went by before noticing that my nipple was getting just as much sun as the rest of me. thats right, there she was.. just as free as can be. now keep in mind, i do not have danity little nipples (obviously, my boobs are big..) so too look down and see the hockey puck staring back at me was a little surprise.

its a no wonder why the guy sitting next to me, who had been obnoxiously planning his “mickey’s irish pub birthday party” was now off his cell phone and staring in my direction.

Time to find a new gym..

So I work out on a pretty regular basis… it might be strange to say, but I do really enjoy working out. Don’t get me wrong, I am sure if I looked like Lindsey and didn’t need to work out, I probably wouldn’t enjoy it as much. But, I suppose it is a good hobby… besides being good for me, canceling out all the calories from the terrible food and ridiculous amounts of wine I drink, and a way to relieve stress, working out also gives me time to think. Although for the past few days my thought process has been interrupted by some very annoying gym members…
(I know what you are thinking… Kari going to bitch about something? That would be something new and different for her. But just bear with me for a bit… these people would get on your nerves also.. I promise)…. Unless you are Elizabeth, and love the entire human race (excluding strict Republicans) all because everyone is different and that’s what makes us special…
Anyway, call me a bitch, but this is what I would like to say to these gym members who have apparently forgotten their gym etiquette.
To the man who makes horse noises while working out: Please get some water, or perhaps a piece of chewing gum… anything that would stop you from doing that with your mouth. It is a very odd sound that throws my whole run off.
To the woman who tells me her whole weight-loss-weight-gain-battle-life-story every time I see her: I truly am sorry that you have had to deal with those experiences. It sucks to battle with your weight, but so goes life. Please pay to visit with a therapist, s/he will have more time and sympathy for you. (We all are working out for the same reason lady).
To the man who always wants to know “How my workout went, and how many calories I burned today:” This might not offend/annoy another person.. but it does bother me. Please just smile and simply say hello if you think that you need to make some sort of small talk conversation.
To the older couple that literally make out in between reps on the leg machine: You all have probably been married for a good 15-20 years now, he knows you love him, she knows you love her. The whole damn gym knows about the love you share. Is it necessary to kiss and say “I love you” between each 15 leg lifts??
To the high school couple that enjoy working out together (probably because they think they are “true love” and will be together forever): I enjoy your bliss, but buddy seeing your girlfriend work out OBVIOUSLY gets you exicted (again, something the entire gym knows about) buy some tighter fitting undies to wear while working out. Your massive erection is a bit disturbing, and definitely distracts my workout.
To the woman who always wears the black sports bra and tiny black “hot pants” to work out in: Your body is amazing, you should be very proud of it.. I am a bit jealous. But, try and leave something to the imagination.
And finally.. To the man who sounds like he is dying while doing his free weight circuit: The weights that you are trying to lift are too heavy for you!!! Stop trying to commit suicide at the gym just trying to look buff. Girls will think you are more hot alive, than lying dead with the bench press bar smashed against your chest.

Hmm.. wonder what they think of me..