*My husband pre-read this blog and informed me that it “might not seem as positive as the past few.” To that I replied, “I can’t always be hilarious, Derek! A girl can only tell the story of falling off her bed while sitting with no pants on one time without people getting bored.”
With that, be forewarned.. I can’t always promise intense positivity or side splitting humor.. but I can promise sincere honesty. So that’s what lies ahead today. (But, I’m fine with Chelsea Handler moving over anyway..)
I’ve never minded being the center of attention. In fact, some people might say I love it. And for the most part I think I would agree.
The only time I can really think that I didn’t like having all eyes on me was while I was walking down the aisle at my wedding. I was still trying to process how I was feeling about joining my life (forever!!) with someone else, and the 500 eyeballs glued to my awkward facial expressions were far more than my fetus 24 year old self could handle. That’s when I realized that I only enjoyed being the center of attention on my terms. (Ahem, obviously, control freak…)
I mean, I think I’m funny. I love having attention when my wit is at its peak.
I think I’m a good story teller. Having an audience makes the embellishing come easy.
And I love people and conversation. Surrounding myself in that is almost soothing at times.
Being the center of attention is not on my terms right now, and I mostly hate that.
Don’t get me wrong. Hands down I have had the most amazingly supportive network of people in my life. My gratitude is beyond measurable. And I am without doubt that without that I would not have nearly as positive an outlook as I do right now.
That being said, it’s a big job convincing people that you are okay. (I mean, in terms if having MS, I’m okay. I’m obviously not running any marathons or being drug off any dance floors.) Mostly because people have to see you to believe that you are alright. And along with that comes some interesting internalizations. I mean, outside first look? Same Kari. Take two steps forward to hug it out. It gets a little noticeable.
And that’s okay!!!
Really, it’s okay!!
See!! This is me, convincing you, it’s weird and okay!! All at the same time!
It takes a lot of energy reminding everyone that life moves forward and with that ticking time, you keep enjoying the little things. I’ve got to keep meeting you for dinner, going out for drinks, making completely inappropriate jokes. And you’ve got to keep doing the same. You’ve got to go on with your life just like before, be a little more aware of others and not be afraid to laugh with me about a flopping left foot. It’s a weird junction I’m at right now, but without honesty and humor I’ll never make it to the next stop.
And it especially takes more than a lot of energy (cause this MS sucks the damn energy right outta ya!!) keeping it all together all of the time.
There’s a weird thing that happens in your brain with MS… I mean beside the flared up lesions. Cause really? That’s some weird shit! I’ve got photos! Look here! Weird, right?!
So even beside that, this weird thing happens that feels like fatigue, but probably just comes out as complete bitchiness
(Which you know I really don’t give a shit about. But I feel like I should acknowledge for at least conversation sake.)
It’s like you are surrounded with everyone you know and love. You are having great conversation. But then you realize that you can’t really focus on what is being said. All of a sudden you realize you know the next word in the song playing over the loud speaker, but you just aren’t sure what your response to the question just asked should be.
And really, it’s not for lack of trying! I’m really concentrating as hard as I can, but somewhere along the way my brain transformed into the 14 year old ADHD brain, constantly distracted by hot girls and shiny buttons.
(Not in the sense that MS made me a lesbian, I just appreciate hot girls and understand how they can totally fuck your train of thought.)
*So yeah, combine that distraction with unwillingly being the center of attention and I’m generally just seeming like a real big dick lately. And mostly it’s really just a lot to explain during normal conversation (and let’s be real, I’d probably lose my train of thought half way through..) I’m not trying to be ungrateful or a terrible listener.. I’ve just got the MS for the time being.
Or maybe I’ll just blame it on too many Bloody Marys..