2nd Place Valedictorian

It’s no secret, I like to be the best at things. The valedictorian, if you will. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t like competing with people. In fact, competition makes me feel all nervous and awkward, not awkward funny, awkward like a bad joke or public displays of affection. I only like competition when it’s against myself.

Let’s say my fitbit says I got 11,000 steps today.
(Which we know is not true of today, because I’ve still got this damn gimpy left leg, not so much dragging anymore as, flopping around beside me with a mind of its own!)
(Also, the fitbit is the worst gift for a valedictorian like me. And by worst, I mean best, of course! I am obsessed with it.)
Okay, so yeah, say (on like September 28th) my fitbit said I had 11,000 steps. Well, you better believe that on September 29th, I am for sure going to have at least 11,001 steps. Just to be better.

Or I have 13 things on my Tuesday to do list (That’s another post.. The to do lists! Gah! Killer!) and I got them all checked off. Welp. You bet your hot little ass, 14 things will get done on Wednesday.

It’s a sickness. I’m sure of it. And actually I don’t really care. I love being the valedictorian of crossing things off a to do list. What?!

I’m sure it’s obvious, but the past few weeks have put a little damper on my valedictorian status.

It all started at my first appointment with my neurologist. After a billion questions and tests, my neurologist asked me to walk for him. To which I confidently responded, “Oh yeah! I am getting really good at walking! Watch!” I proudly strutted through that office like a supermodel on a runway. After a few hair flipping turns, I turned back, beaming with pride, anxiously awaiting my overdue praise. To which my doctor sucks in a giant breath (impressed, right?! I know!!) and says, “Okay so there’s still a significant need for physical therapy. On second thought, don’t stop taking the steroids early. Be sure to finish them. All of them.”
Dammit! Really?! Okay.. I guess I can be 2nd place valedictorian walker today. Fine.

A few days after my 2nd place valedictorian walker award was received, I was most definitely awarded 2nd place valedictorian MS yoga participant.
Derek got me all set up with these great MS yoga videos, all my yoga equipment and some privacy (mostly for his benefit!) in the basement and wished me luck.
Remember that aforementioned left leg with a mind of its own? Yeah. That limb was All. Over. The. Place. I mean, here’s this well behaved right leg, properly extended, flexing and hovering a nice six inches off the floor. And the left? Oh, that naughty, independent appendage is just waving in the wind, flopping around like a dead fish. What are you doing?! Get it together! 2nd place is the first loser, lefty!!

And now for the most accomplished of the 2nd place valedictorian awards.
My doctors and therapists have all recommended that while putting on pants, underwear, socks, etc. I should be sitting down. (As if the option of skipping into them was available. Have they seen this dumb left leg?!) So, per recommendation, because I am still the valedictorian of following the rules, duh! I was sitting on my bed, getting ready with my pants around my ankles. I would like to say that I was reaching for something, but really there was nothing. I just lost my balance and fell off the bed.
While sitting.
With my pants around my ankles.
In front of Derek.
In. Slow. Motion. (Because I have MS, nothing is fast.)
Yep. One minute talking about what I am going to order for dinner. The next minute, mooning my husband while face planting into the carpet.
Nothing says graceful like your blinding blueish white butt cheeks face up mid conversation.
2nd place valedictorian of gracefully sitting on a bed. Right here.

I’m sorry you even have to think about that!

… Actually, I’m not really, because it is really funny. And you know how I love when anything can be turned into a funny story!

So yeah, 2nd place valedictorian isn’t all that bad for the time being. I mean, it’s actually pretty awkwardly funny. And everyone knows I love to hate awkward funny.
Now, if we could just work on getting a Bloody Mary served with all these awards…

8 thoughts on “2nd Place Valedictorian

  1. Bahahhahahha! Seriously, you need more stories and an agent. Publish this ish! Move over Chelsea Handler, there’s a funnier lady in town.

  2. OMG Kari! I was laughing soo hard when I read this!!! Your sense of humor and attitude is incredible!!!! I think about you every day but feel I’m bothering if I call as I know you have a lot of caring friends/family and that it’s probably overwhelming at times. Just know I love you and look forward to your complete recovery! Damn that left leg… I agree that what you just wrote needs to be published! Love Craig (Dad)

  3. Hahaha!!! I had to read it out loud to mark and then couldn’t even make it through, I was laughing so hard. Ha!

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