Monthly Archives: August 2005

Oh, Texas.. Your wit charms me… and Abercrombie

So.. we visited Texas.. to see how the weekend went visit Derek’s site.

The one thing that we all know about Texas is the insane amount of slogans the residents feel they need to plaster everywhere so tourists can remember that “Nobody messes with Texas.” They apparently want us to remember a few other things about the state also:

1. Of course we all know, “Everything is bigger in Texas.” — Now this includes a lot: the diameter of most women’s hair, the amount of hairspray that is used, the price at hair salons, the size of the abundant “mega-churches,” the reference to virgins, the bridges crossing the freeway, the amount of “left-lane-passing-only” freeway that is wasted by the fools that feel like driving 52 mph from Dallas to San Antonio, the airport, the amount of apologies I received from Texas employees who could not seem to figure out how to do thier job right, the amount of money people have to spend on fancy cars, the countless times I heard “y’all,” the amount of people who seem to have not heard of the state of Iowa, the amount of HUGE Texas flags flying high, the incredible amount of air the was found in my hairdresser’s head when she commented that she had not been to Iowa but “had visited Maryland, Boston, and Vermont,” and the quantity of people who think that Texas is truly its own country.

2. And we have all heard, “Save a horse, ride a cowboy.” — Had I seen a real cowboy this trip might have been a little more enjoyable. I needed to see a cowboy. But, but on a side note, I am sure that Abercrombie would like to personally thank Texas for that clever little saying, they have sold a countless number of t-shirts with those words broadcasted across the breast.

3. This was a new one for me, “We don’t dial 911,” written inside a picture of the state of Texas with a gun strategically placed under the comforting words. — Hmmmm, do you think it would be a little easier to just come out and freely say, “Texas — Land of the Hicks”? Rethink this one, Texas.

4. And of course the lovely rhyme, “Steers and Queers.” — Nope, did not see either… which goes along with the feelings found in number 2. Steers would have made for a great “tourist-y” photo, and some gay men would have been a wonderful treat! The state could use the class, style, and sassiness of a few beautiful gay males.

5. Now for the most clever of the slogans, “Nice Rack.” — You might as well just wear a shirt that says, “Your boobs are huge and I truly enjoying looking at them.” But, I do have to admit, I found this shirt pretty amusing… and was secretly wishing that Derek would have bought one. And of all the other Texas slogans, this was not only the cleverest, but also happened to be very truthful. I did indeed see some really great boobs. The breasts were perky, the right size, and generally displayed in a very tasteful manner. Good one, Texas.

6. Last, but certainly not least, “Don’t mess with Texas.” — Don’t worry Texas, we won’t. We would be afraid that you would not know how to react. We don’t want you out riding cowboys 48 mph in the left lane of freeways shooting everyone rather than just calling 911. It’s time you gave this one up, Texas and just decided to join the rest of the country… there is room for you somewhere between Iowa and New York.