Kari Brooks

there will be good thoughts on customer service coming soon.. but i need tonite’s events to top the story.

so a little humor to hold you over.. (all 3 people who read this)

while at the country club (see article down below) on thursday afternoon i was enjoying a little sun. the day was perfect and there were no weird family members visiting to distract my peaceful afternoon. i was laying on my stomach to tan, when i decided it was time to flip over to give the other side some time to see the sun. i flip over, grab my book and begin to get lost in the world of wicked.

a good 15 minutes went by before noticing that my nipple was getting just as much sun as the rest of me. thats right, there she was.. just as free as can be. now keep in mind, i do not have danity little nipples (obviously, my boobs are big..) so too look down and see the hockey puck staring back at me was a little surprise.

its a no wonder why the guy sitting next to me, who had been obnoxiously planning his “mickey’s irish pub birthday party” was now off his cell phone and staring in my direction.

So I work out on a pretty regular basis… it might be strange to say, but I do really enjoy working out. Don’t get me wrong, I am sure if I looked like Lindsey and didn’t need to work out, I probably wouldn’t enjoy it as much. But, I suppose it is a good hobby… besides being good for me, canceling out all the calories from the terrible food and ridiculous amounts of wine I drink, and a way to relieve stress, working out also gives me time to think. Although for the past few days my thought process has been interrupted by some very annoying gym members…
(I know what you are thinking… Kari going to bitch about something? That would be something new and different for her. But just bear with me for a bit… these people would get on your nerves also.. I promise)…. Unless you are Elizabeth, and love the entire human race (excluding strict Republicans) all because everyone is different and that’s what makes us special…
Anyway, call me a bitch, but this is what I would like to say to these gym members who have apparently forgotten their gym etiquette.
To the man who makes horse noises while working out: Please get some water, or perhaps a piece of chewing gum… anything that would stop you from doing that with your mouth. It is a very odd sound that throws my whole run off.
To the woman who tells me her whole weight-loss-weight-gain-battle-life-story every time I see her: I truly am sorry that you have had to deal with those experiences. It sucks to battle with your weight, but so goes life. Please pay to visit with a therapist, s/he will have more time and sympathy for you. (We all are working out for the same reason lady).
To the man who always wants to know “How my workout went, and how many calories I burned today:” This might not offend/annoy another person.. but it does bother me. Please just smile and simply say hello if you think that you need to make some sort of small talk conversation.
To the older couple that literally make out in between reps on the leg machine: You all have probably been married for a good 15-20 years now, he knows you love him, she knows you love her. The whole damn gym knows about the love you share. Is it necessary to kiss and say “I love you” between each 15 leg lifts??
To the high school couple that enjoy working out together (probably because they think they are “true love” and will be together forever): I enjoy your bliss, but buddy seeing your girlfriend work out OBVIOUSLY gets you exicted (again, something the entire gym knows about) buy some tighter fitting undies to wear while working out. Your massive erection is a bit disturbing, and definitely distracts my workout.
To the woman who always wears the black sports bra and tiny black “hot pants” to work out in: Your body is amazing, you should be very proud of it.. I am a bit jealous. But, try and leave something to the imagination.
And finally.. To the man who sounds like he is dying while doing his free weight circuit: The weights that you are trying to lift are too heavy for you!!! Stop trying to commit suicide at the gym just trying to look buff. Girls will think you are more hot alive, than lying dead with the bench press bar smashed against your chest.

Hmm.. wonder what they think of me..

For my job I often have to frequent the country club.. not just any little small town “the pool is a little nicer” country club.. but instead, Des Moines Golf and Country Club, which happens to entertain the prominent socialites around the West Des Moines area. Although I don’t generally enjoy being at the country club, it does give me time to think. (and by think i mean scribble down my thoughts, of all the assholes who spend too much money to parade around the elitist pool, on my old crumpled up “to do list” found at the bottom of my purse).
- And on a side note.. I am sure that while I am contently sitting there (doing what I do best..) judging others.. on their parenting skills, voices which happen to be 4 notches louder than normal, and plastic surgery faces – all the other real country club members (ie. those who have a member ID, rather than just a “nanny pass”) are judging me on my unwashed hair, my bathing suit from Dillards, and my far-from-plastic surgery/liposuction body.
Anyway, now that all of that introduction is over… I am pretty sure that Thursday was “Bring Your Poor Cousin, Dusty to the Country Club for an Up Close and Personal Taste of the Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous” day. As I was resting my eyes (that’s right.. at work..) while the kids where engaged in their millionth lesson of the day, my blissful peace was interrupted by the strong shouting of an obscenely, aggressive male voice.
“Focus!”
“You better start watching the ball!”
“Oh! Come on! Get tough!”
“Stop whining.. you gotta get 5 in a row before swimming!”
Why is the varsity football team doing drills at the country club? you might be wondering.. I was, in fact, curious myself… but I turned to find cousin Dusty, who was helping his 6 year old son become prepared for the Dallas Cowboy tryouts that were apparently occurring VERY soon. Right there at the Des Moines Country Club!! I mean there is a guy who can multi-task..
Dusty was perfect for Des Moines Golf and Country Club.. his beer bellied, step-child-red-spike-on-top-mullet, yellow buck teeth, ridiculous gold bling-ing cross necklace (note: guys who wear necklaces should not only be few and far between, but also should not wear them to the length of where the necklace gracefully dangles between their woobies..) and worn out Kmart swim trunks was just what i needed on that Thursday afternoon.
At first I found myself a little annoyed at Dusty’s presence (ruining my restful afternoon), then a little judgmental (feeling for the first time, a step above someone at the country club), not soon after the feeling of complete awe struck me (like a car accident that you just can not stop staring at), and finally I felt some comfort in Dusty’s courage to attend the “mock your poor cousin” day.
Although I am sure my son will not have to make 5 catches before being allowed swim, I did identify with Dusty. His camera in hand, (and mine hidden safely in my purse) we needed to capture all we could of this socialite society… I couldn’t help but hope that I would see him at next year’s reunion of us poor folk.

-And it should be noted, that just as I was feeling this sense of connectedness with cousin Dusty (probably from Arkansas), in walked Mister Right, to grace the presence of all those surrounding him..
17 and complete with his bright orange, popped collar, polo shirt… all to match his green plaid gingham (only be to seen on curtains in country time magazine) polo swim trunks and matching bright orange flip flops.
Hey, Mister Right?
Are you the original creator of that messed up, almost long hair, would be grunge if you didn’t shower twice a day, sexy look that all the boys are sporting these days?
… I think cousin Dusty and I pulled out our cameras at the exact same time…

so apparently i have commented a few times about having my own website.. generally the comments come after i start thinking about my pet peeves, encounter an intersting person, spend time with friends, or have too many drinks..
i tried making a website in college once (for educational purposes only, of course…) and had a pretty hard time figuring out (in all seriousness..) why blankwebpages.com would not let me just sign up for one..
this caused derek some serious stress (and quite a bit of anger) so this is what he came up with for me.